Greetings and Salutations, dear friends!

I have just returned from Aruba where I spent the Christmas/Boxing Day season chasing island tail and drinking copious amounts of spiced rum.  As I was basking in the glorious and perfect sun…in the nude, by the by…I thought this might be an appropriate time to write about holiday gift ideas that you can use during this season.  Of course, I had this idea well ahead of Christmas but was far too intoxicated to do anything about it.  These gifts are perfect any time of year so there you have it.

RIDE IN STYLE

Like you I loathe the annual Christmas Lexus commercials.  The surprised man or woman comes out of the house to see a Lexus topped with a bright red bow.  Ugh. Disgusting.  If you’re going to purchase a car as a holiday gift don’t waste money on a cheap Japanese go cart.  Behold the glory that is…

The Maserati Quattroporte.  Italian made luxury for the discerning gentleman (and for ladies, as well.  You ladies should absolutely ask the men in your lives for this luxury chariot.  You may have to wake them up in that “special way” for a while but it’ll be worth it for him…and for you…of course).    My personal shopper told me all of the various engine specs and luxury packages but my human brain could not take it all in.  And finally what does any of it matter?  It’s an F-ING Maserati!  I myself have several and I highly recommend them.  Have you ever known me to steer you wrong.  Oh wait.  STEER you wrong!  Ha ha ha.  Oh my, I AM a droll one.

GIVE THE GIFT OF TIME

Not giving the gift of MORE time, my lovelies.  No, I’m talking about the gift of time that’s encrusted in diamonds and weighs more than a bowling ball.  If you are looking for something a bit more personal perhaps this watch by Chopard will be more your speed. Wait.  SPEED. Ha ha ha.  I AM a clever boy!  Here’s something any loved one (or LOVER) would appreciate receiving.

Good God, this watch is ugly as sin but with a price tag like that how can you not buy it?!  With this watch you say, “I may be a moron to sink 1.1 million dollars into a watch but at least I can.”  Let the huddled masses glow green with envy as you parade your fabulous wealth before them.  Because in the final analysis you have no true friends.  They are jealous of your money and fame.  At least my friends are.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Of course I realize that people are a bit under the gun financially.  I too have been hit by this worldwide recession.  I have had to cut my manservant Reggie’s weekly allowance to a mere pittance.  But in lieu of money I have given a wonderful gift that he can wear with pride…an authentic My Dick t-shirt.

Hand made in Guatemalan orphanages, these shirts are a wonderful gift for the true devotee of My Dick…or for anyone who wants to make a spectacle of themselves on the street.  Plus, I’ve always been told that the holidays are about giving, so stop being so damned selfish!  Buy a shirt and give it to a loved one!  You don’t want a hard working little orphan to lose their job, do you?  I don’t care either way.  My stock portfolio is busting at the seams.  All is right in the world.

Anyway, there it is, my poppets.  Another successful holiday.  I am going to pour another Johnny Walker Blue and apply some aloe vera to my…tender areas.  That Aruba sun blisters mightily.  Til next time.

Cheers!

Nigel

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I have been accused of many things: being a shameless promoter, having frivolous interests, excessive drunkenness, ambiguous sexuality, to name a few.  One could not accuse me, however, of a lack of heart.  As I trolled through the mountain of e-mails I receive every day, I received a text from a dear friend informing me of the death of Brittany Murphy at the age of 32.  Let me just say that I did not know the young lady.  Like you, I was entertained by her movies and her talent.  There is a recent photo of her dated December 1, 2009 that may or may not tell the story.  She seems so dangerously thin that it’s difficult to recognize her.  It should remind us that Hollywood is a lifeless, soul sucking bitch of a place to make one’s living.  Acting is one of the few professions (along with the music industry, of course) that I can think of where you are judged solely on your appearance and talent (I don’t count models.  They have no talent.)  And the difference between working and not working  may be ten pounds here or there…or a nip here and a tuck there.

Women bear the brunt of it, of course.  And please, don’t talk to me about Meryl Streep or Sigourney Weaver.  They are the exceptions.  For every Meryl (a delightful woman, by the by.  I have Summered in the Hamptons when she was there) or Sigourney there are thousands more that stop working because they’ve reached an age or weight threshold.  What truly galls me is that the Hollywood power brokers and producers who will make public statements and “mourn her” are the very blood suckers that perpetuate the entire operation.  Nothing will change because the vampires are in power and they are on constant vigil for new meat.  Throw a rock and you will hit the next victim.  The tragic reality is that there are a million Brittany Murphys plying their craft in Hollywood and many will fall prey to the Hollywood machine.  And as the cult of celebrity grows, we, the public, will demand more sacrifices to be made in its unholy name.

Listen.  I’m no saint.  The music industry, the industry that I have devoted my life to, has done more to fuck talented people than just about any other.  Hollywood…Nashville…pick your poison.  I like to tell prospective clients, “Bend over and wait for the anal exploration”.  And I must confess that I have bagged my share of pretty actresses with the promise of a part in a music video.

(Pause)

Now that I think about it, maybe I’m the last person to make commentary.  I guess it just struck me as kind of a needless death.

Another Johnny Walker Blue should do the trick.  I’ll probably forget that I even wrote this.

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