The Johnnie Walker Blue has me in a foul mood, dear reader.  What happened to the industrious and clever American?  You (and yes…I mean YOU) are bloated and dull from your Wii, your reality programmes, and your love for Jeff Foxworthy.  I don’t even know why I bother to dispense pearls before swine.  I give and give and give and receive nothing in return.  I say all of this because my webmaster just informed me that I have yet to receive a single comment on this blog.  What are you waiting for?  Are you intimidated before my brilliance?  Oh, interminable shame!  No wonder My Dick has left the public sphere.  The fan base is clearly too stoned or too lethargic (or both.  I’m stoned right now as Reggie types out this verbal assault that I’m dictating).  I crave the cut and thrust of verbal repartee that we Cunningtons are known for.

(Father was a grand speaker and jokester.  He once planted a pound of marijuana in my steamer trunk and then informed the prefect at the boarding school.  What a laugh we had after I served those hellish 3 years in  HMP Peterborough.)

Now that I have that off my chest…let the blog continue.

Here are my ten New Year’s Resolutions that I wanted to share with you, my lovelies.  Perhaps I can be of service as you consider the myriad ways you want to improve your un-glamorous, meaningless lives.  One can hope.

NIGEL’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

10. Do more for the poor.  For example, offer coupons in lieu of cash.

9. Visit my sweet Mum more often.  If I can’t do that, send Reggie to the old folks home with some flowers.  On second thought I’ll just send Reggie with flowers.

8. Drink less…when I first wake up.

7. Smoke less…hashish.  Actually, that seems awfully drastic.  How about if I smoke less on Tuesdays?  Fair enough.  Done, done, and done.

6. Have sex with women whose full name I know..or at least their first name.  Or who I know for sure are women.

5. Do more for the environment.  I commit to being more “green”.  Cash is green, isn’t it?  I commit to making gobs and gobs of filthy lucre.

4. I will write the great American novel.  I will call it “My British Accent is an Aphrodisiac to American Women”

3. I’m will seek out that bastard, Glenn Beck and punch him in the baby maker.  That way he really has something to cry about.

2. I will own a world championship calibre Roller Derby team.

1. I will hunt down My Dick until I have no breath left in my body. Those bastards have obligations, after all!

So there you have it…my New Year’s Resolutions.  What are your resolutions?  Post them here so that I may have a good laugh at your expense.   If any of you talk about world peace I swear that I will find you and give you the Glenn Beck treatment.

Cheers!

Nigel

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