Greetings and Salutations, dear friends!
I have just returned from Aruba where I spent the Christmas/Boxing Day season chasing island tail and drinking copious amounts of spiced rum. As I was basking in the glorious and perfect sun…in the nude, by the by…I thought this might be an appropriate time to write about holiday gift ideas that you can use during this season. Of course, I had this idea well ahead of Christmas but was far too intoxicated to do anything about it. These gifts are perfect any time of year so there you have it.
RIDE IN STYLE
Like you I loathe the annual Christmas Lexus commercials. The surprised man or woman comes out of the house to see a Lexus topped with a bright red bow. Ugh. Disgusting. If you’re going to purchase a car as a holiday gift don’t waste money on a cheap Japanese go cart. Behold the glory that is…
The Maserati Quattroporte. Italian made luxury for the discerning gentleman (and for ladies, as well. You ladies should absolutely ask the men in your lives for this luxury chariot. You may have to wake them up in that “special way” for a while but it’ll be worth it for him…and for you…of course). My personal shopper told me all of the various engine specs and luxury packages but my human brain could not take it all in. And finally what does any of it matter? It’s an F-ING Maserati! I myself have several and I highly recommend them. Have you ever known me to steer you wrong. Oh wait. STEER you wrong! Ha ha ha. Oh my, I AM a droll one.
GIVE THE GIFT OF TIME
Not giving the gift of MORE time, my lovelies. No, I’m talking about the gift of time that’s encrusted in diamonds and weighs more than a bowling ball. If you are looking for something a bit more personal perhaps this watch by Chopard will be more your speed. Wait. SPEED. Ha ha ha. I AM a clever boy! Here’s something any loved one (or LOVER) would appreciate receiving.
Good God, this watch is ugly as sin but with a price tag like that how can you not buy it?! With this watch you say, “I may be a moron to sink 1.1 million dollars into a watch but at least I can.” Let the huddled masses glow green with envy as you parade your fabulous wealth before them. Because in the final analysis you have no true friends. They are jealous of your money and fame. At least my friends are. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
Of course I realize that people are a bit under the gun financially. I too have been hit by this worldwide recession. I have had to cut my manservant Reggie’s weekly allowance to a mere pittance. But in lieu of money I have given a wonderful gift that he can wear with pride…an authentic My Dick t-shirt.
Hand made in Guatemalan orphanages, these shirts are a wonderful gift for the true devotee of My Dick…or for anyone who wants to make a spectacle of themselves on the street. Plus, I’ve always been told that the holidays are about giving, so stop being so damned selfish! Buy a shirt and give it to a loved one! You don’t want a hard working little orphan to lose their job, do you? I don’t care either way. My stock portfolio is busting at the seams. All is right in the world.
Anyway, there it is, my poppets. Another successful holiday. I am going to pour another Johnny Walker Blue and apply some aloe vera to my…tender areas. That Aruba sun blisters mightily. Til next time.
Cheers!
Nigel
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